I have to believe that grace - God’s grace - will be waiting on the other side.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Ps. 34:18)
I’ve worked in the New York State Unified Court System for over 30 years, and it’s safe to say I’ve seen some crazy stuff. Despite that, no one’s ever prepared for suicide.
A couple of years ago, a 15-year veteran court officer walked into the bathroom of one of our NYC courthouses and shot themself. The officer was just a year younger than me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it for a while. I didn’t know this person, but the courts are small enough that I’m sure we would have had mutual friends.
I don’t know what went through their mind in the moments before their death. I respect them enough not to speculate, but I know the thoughts in my mind in particularly dark moments. I would venture that whatever the specific thoughts, such a mind is all too eager to keep everything hidden away from what they may perceive to be prying eyes looking for gossip to whisper or hearts so distraught that they feel too embarrassed to release their internal struggle to anyone.
Men are especially keen to keep things bottled up. We’re supposed to be built to “keep it together.” Unfortunately, this is what happens much too often. We keep it all together in this tight little box, adding more to it daily, weekly, all the while, it’s bursting at the seams threatening to snap into shards and explode.
Breakdowns and suicides always came across to me in that way. We pack it all down until we can’t contain it anymore.
…and then we do something with it. Some give up.
I don’t know what “gave” for this officer, but I know what the build-up feels like. I can sympathize because of my own struggles. I don’t assume that if our paths had crossed, I could have talked them out of it. Likely, I wouldn’t have even known of their plans, just like everyone else around them, who were shocked by what happened.
When something like this happens, I think about the next person. Someone is putting up a good front. Someone is smiling through pain and tears. Someone is saying to another right now, “Well, all you can do is take it one day at a time. Right?” even though they know this is the last day. People speculate about attitudes and signs and how they should have known, but people are good at wearing masks. Some are experts at hiding it all away, while others are good at looking the other way. Some people manage their chaos well, moving the parts around deftly so they never feel or look overwhelmed. Maybe they’re even fortunate enough to have someone to share the darker parts with to help them through it. Good for them.
Others…eventually give up.
Like I said, I’m sympathetic.
The next person is out there, and I don’t want it to be you.
I’m not a counselor, though it’s ok to see one. You’re not a project, and I’ve never enjoyed being treated like one myself. You’re a human being. Every soul is important to God, regardless of your hurts, hangups, baggage, and failures. There is an intrinsic worth within you, something defined by more than our years, our successes, or our failures on this earth. Something greater than the sum of our experiences. Because of your intrinsic worth, you deserve someone to sit with you at your low points, listen to you through your tears, and love you towards another day and then another after that.
Grace is a remarkable gift God gives us. It doesn’t make the bad things disappear, but it does mean we are loved despite them. It means we are forgiven even in the shadow of them. God’s grace calls us worthy, anyway.
Grace is hope beyond our circumstances, beyond our pain, and even beyond our poor choices.
Let me plead with you one more time. Sometimes, what overwhelms us, what builds up hidden away in that overstuffed box about to explode, consumes us so much that we can’t find an escape. We think there’s only one possible answer: to give up.
Grace is a remarkable gift God gives us. It doesn’t make the bad things disappear, but it does mean we are loved despite them.
The truth is, the build-up can be the worst part. It can consume our senses and overtake our thoughts until all we want is for it to all go away.
In that desperate moment, here is a promise:
I promise someone out there wants to give you the simplest of graces for whatever you are dealing with, but even more, I know someone out there wants to give you God’s grace, as it’s revealed at the cross of Christ. This is the only kind of grace that proclaims you are forever loved and forever worthy. And because of this kind of grace, I know someone right now wants to hear your story. Someone wants to cry with you or sit quietly in a booth with you in some local diner for as long as it takes.
In those worst moments, amid those hard thoughts, someone wants to give you the kind of grace you may think you don’t deserve. The kind of grace that is supernatural in nature. The kind of grace we see in news stories of incredible forgiveness and mercy. The kind of grace that can only come from God. In light of Christ’s death and resurrection, someone wants to treat you like all the other things don’t matter because, in light of what Christ has done for you, they truly don’t. It’s on account of Christ that you can receive more mercy, more grace, and more forgiveness than you think you deserve.
Most of us never get right up to that line that this court officer sadly crossed, but it doesn’t mean we don’t get close enough to see the other side of it and wonder. It doesn’t mean it’s simply a fleeting thought that gets dismissed with a hand gesture.
We all have desperate moments that are sometimes beyond our ability to properly convey outwardly. Internally, we know how desperate they truly are.
In light of that, for those who want to be there for friends, family, and co-workers, reach out to those around you. Maybe some will give you a basic “OK,” or maybe this is the day they’ll give you a little more. Maybe this is the day they say, “Yeah… it’s been hard…” and maybe some of the pressure will begin to release.
Who knows?
I have a habit of asking people, “How are you doin'?” twice, so they know I’m not just using the typical New York vernacular, but that I really do want to know.
One last time for the ones a little too close to the edge. If you are struggling, reach out to someone else. Even if it has to start with a friend, please do it.
I have to believe that grace - God’s grace - will be waiting on the other side.
We all struggle in the most extreme sense at times. But if this article comes across as something meant to be more, as an opening conversation to deeper things, please share it with anyone and everyone you know, and pray that it gives someone the keys to the box before it bursts.
My prayer is that it gives someone pause. And in that pause, they find grace for all the following tomorrows.
