The goal isn't to give kids a balanced or equal measure of each but to give the right medicine at the right time.
Dear Gretchen,
Our family is in the middle of the toddler stage. I struggle to balance giving my little kids structure, rules, and consequences while also showing them forgiveness and grace during this season. Do you have any advice for how to be a grace-filled parent while also managing the chaos?
-A Weary Parent in Texas
Dear Weary Parent,
In one of my first conversations with the 1517 director, Scott Keith, we talked about parenting. "Kids need a lot of law," he said in a very matter-of-fact way. I knew 1517 to be an organization that heavily emphasized the good news of the gospel, so his comment took me off guard. But I heartily agreed with him. It took me several years to see that while God gives us both law and gospel, there is no balancing them. That would put them as equals, and they are not. They each have a very specific function. So the goal isn't to give kids a balanced or equal measure of each but to give the right medicine at the right time.
The law shows us that we have sinned, stops us from hurting ourselves and others, and shows us what is good.
The gospel heals, restores, and gives life. Humans of all ages need salvation by grace alone, through faith alone in Christ alone. They need the gospel.
But little kids, especially, need a lot of law to keep them from hurting themselves and others. They need tight boundaries. They don't know what is right and wrong, and they often interpret things through "I want to" and "I don't want to." They need to be taught a different paradigm of right and wrong that lies outside themselves, not inside themselves. They need a lot of law to stay alive (literally) and participate in society.
My pastor once said the law is needed when we trust our works, and the gospel is needed when we find ourselves discouraged. Of course, God's word contains both law and gospel, but the application of these two words can be quite personal. God's Word is objective, yet the way we each hear it is not always formulaic.
This is where we get confused and with good reason: we can't see our kid's hearts. As one of my old bosses used to say: "The issue is not the issue." Their pride might be a mask for their discouragement. Guilt, shame or even plain old boredom could lie beneath their misbehavior. Parenting often feels like you're flying blind, doing the best you can and hoping for the best.
I've learned that these gray areas–where I'm not quite sure of the right thing to do because I can't see their heart–that's where I get to see the Holy Spirit at work. I've learned over the years not to work to avoid those areas of my life where the Holy Spirit's assistance isn't just optional if I need him but essential. My "involvement" during those times isn't anything other than fumbling along as a witness. Seeing his work up close in my kids has built my faith and helped me speak assurance over my own kids.
And while parenting often feels like an endless stage of teaching, containment, guiding, disciplining, and redirecting that never stops, we can trust that on account of Christ, our kids also receive quite a bit of grace to rest in.
There is the common grace children receive through the repetitive tasks of parenting: daily snuggles, the gift of toys, and the provisions of food, shelter, and clothes are all ways God uses parents to love their children and show them the grace they didn't earn. Every seemingly normal and daily provision is a gift from God for kids. And then, of course, in baptism, our children are also given God's name, all the privileges that come with being in his family, and a place to return to when they doubt this standing.
We shouldn't give our kids law to the extent that we exasperate them (Eph. 6:4). We are called to endure – with love – the times they are having their own struggles. I've found that when my child is discouraged, they need the gospel the most. Growing and learning involves making a lot of mistakes, and it's good to show them the stability of love through those mistakes. I continually have to pray to have the eyes to see when they are discouraged because I don't always see it.
God's law is good. It's not strong enough to save, but it's strong enough to teach. When we see that law and gospel each have their function, not an equal balance, you'll find that the era of childhood has a lot of need for the functions of the law.
Because of the way that children's brains develop, they are going to need a ton of basic teaching of what is right and wrong in those first years: a ton of "do and don't do." They will need a ton of restrictions, as they would happily march towards their death without them. I think of several times one of my kids in particular would just toddle away fearlessly, never looking back, and climb whatever was put in front of her.
In each situation, ask yourself what your child needs. Do they need to see that what they are doing is wrong? Do they need to stop hurting someone or destroying property? Do they need to see what is good to do? In those cases, use the law freely.
When I don't know what my child needs – law or gospel – I pick the strongest, active one: gospel. Only the gospel brings life. But heart issues belong to the Holy Spirit.
However, are they frustrated with themselves and their emotions? They may need to be snuggled down for a nap. Did they break something and now feel ashamed? They need lavish forgiveness. Are they hungry? Give them food to eat. In fact, that goes for you and your spouse as well.
People are humans with legitimate physical needs. People are sinners in need of consistent grace.
The trickiest part for me has always been when a hard heart is involved. In those cases, I give the law so that my child sees his or her sin. But when the law doesn't seem to be working, and the child seems to be sinking further away, something is going on that we cannot see. This takes an awful amount of humility as a parent to admit. So I switch gears to grace, and I pray. When I don't know what my child needs – law or gospel – I pick the strongest, active one: gospel. Only the gospel brings life. But heart issues belong to the Holy Spirit. So, I step back, pray, and let God do his thing.
Don't worry about giving equal time to both law and gospel. It will fluctuate from age to age, day to day, and moment by moment. Look at your child and each situation individually. The gospel is personal, which is also good news for every weary parent out there because it means God doesn't just give his grace to your children in unmeasurable abundance; he gives it to you, too.
Sincerely, Gretchen
